One of the more disappointing things about childhood is the completely false advertising you are subjected to. All the action figures fight on these amazing fake landscapes. Every time you eat a Fruit by the Foot your tongue turns crazy. And every time you drink Kool-Aid the sweet-ass Kool-Aid man bursts into your house and everyone has a party.
Except at my house. There were no landscapes filled with trees and teeming with Foot Soldiers. I had one lonely Foot Soldier that my four Ninja Turtles beat up over and over and over again. My Fruit by the Foot just tasted like really bad Fruit Roll Up. And the motherfucking Kool-Aid man never came to my house. That motherfucker. I even had the Kool-Aid man pitcher and cups that I saved up all those Kool-Aid points for. Much like Santa, the sixty-sixth episode of Rescue Rangers, and the skateboard Dad promised me; it was a hollow promise.
I don’t wanna grow up, I’m a Toys R Us kid…